I have to ask myself on occasion why I spend 50 or so minutes every weekday watching a soap opera, and then three quarters through today’s episode, there’s a reference to Adam’s marriages (note the plural) to Liza.  Whatever program is going to provide me that sort of drama is one I’m more than happy to direct my cable company provided Tivo knockoff to record on a daily basis, even if the advertisements for Activia and maxi-pads I see on triple speed aren’t aimed at my demographic.  However, if there was a setting to avoid episodes without appearances by David Hayward (like today), I might take advantage of it.  Without David Hayward creepily staring through a window or appearing at the Chandler mansion via the tunnel system, it’s hard even for the residents of Pine Valley to sustain my interest for nearly an hour.  Aren’t there patients to secretly poison or experimental drugs to slip in the Pine Valley aquifer, David?

Speaking of Liza, while I was thrilled by her erotic run-in with Zach (not necessarily the sexuality of the scene which was uncomfortable and weird considering this is Zach’s place of business and blackjack tables aren’t usually quite that strong), the spectre that she has provided over the Pine Valley universe seems to be more of a negative than a positive for me at this point.  I wasn’t watching the show much during the previous Liza’s run, so I wasn’t terribly upset by the part being recast (although when I was at a Super Soap Weekend, the previous Liza said my son was adorable, so there’s that).  I like what Liza and her improbable card counting skills did to Zach’s self confidence, but I don’t know if I can take much more of Colby’s open-mouthed “mommy’s back in town” identity crisis.  Plus, I suspect all the drama might send her into the arms of Petey, which would be a stretch of John Hughes styled proportions.

Still, seemingly in an effort to give the show some sort of buzz before ABC replaces AMC’s hour of television with a talk show hosted by the Slap Chop guy, everything’s getting thrown against the wall to see what sticks.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be too surprised to see long lost singer/transgender icon Zarf/Zoe on the show by Friday.   Re-enter Alexander Cambias, Sr., the infamous Satin Slayer, who poisoned a few people during sweeps in 2007, who is apparently written now a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Sideshow Bob, and like the Simpsons villain housed in the lowest security criminal mental insitution ever.  He gets a cell that he gets to decorate with press clippings of his conquests and the ability to write his memoirs (the title of which I stole for this blog) via a text recognition system?  I’m not the sort that says prisoners should be fed gruel and forced to dig ditches on the chain gang, but someone might want to make a connection between the Pine Valley legal system and the town’s crime problem. If a guy gets to kill or try to kill half the female residents of the town, possibly he shouldn’t be allowed to mail packages via UPS.  I’m not even sure I’d allow him access to priority mail.

Amanda’s going to keep the baby and Adam’s going to hit with dementia (or possibly more interesting, a new disease in which his intelligence is sapped and transferred mysteriously to his twin brother), and I seem to think the massuse with a heart of gold and a desire to practice law is probably Babe’s long lost twin sister hidden from Hayward and anyone who’s ever had a part in the plot the last five years, but instead we’re dragging up who really poisoned Dixie’s pancakes (banana pancakes meant for Babe, but you knew that).  Super.  If I have to watch weeks of Tad pretending he’s some sort of detective while the chief of police says he’s doing all he can to solve the case but his hands are tied instead of enjoying David Hayward work his evil magic, I’m going to be disappointed.  I’ll still watch obviously, but I won’t necessarily like it.